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HURRY-UP MIRIAM!
(à la a Broadway musical opening number)
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Time is short and she is on the go
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
When compared to her we're moving much, much too slow
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Don't look now, she is on the run
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Just as we get started, she’s already done
She's a whirlwind, she's a blur
We cannot keep up with her
She is frantic, she is speedy
Are we winded? Yes indeedy!
She is lightning, she is quick
Can anybody stop this chick?
She is rapid, meteoric
If she slows we'll be euphoric!
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Everything she does is in a rush
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
No one else has ever gotten Usain Bolt to blush
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Watch her make a list and check it thrice
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Hyperventilating is her favorite vice
“Get a move on!
There's no time to waste!”
Why does she do everything in such a haste?
As a girl she had to clean her room just to get supper
Before Bounty, she was the quicker picker-upper
In her teens she dreamed to wear a beauty contest winner's sash
When that failed instead she ruled at winning the forty-yard dash
After being voted “The Most Likely to Succeed”
she succeeded quickly then won “Most Likely to Speed”
Miriam, what are you running from?
“Ucch, I’m busy!”
Everyone should stop and smell the roses
Miriam, “Again?”
Life is a marathon
“Since when?”
Pace yourself to reach the end
and on the way you’ll make new friends
“Hmm . . .
You’ve said your piece
I’ve heard your view
Now I just need to think it through
The trouble is that thanks to you
I’ve got another thing to do!”
Miriam, no!
“I gotta go!”
Oh . . .
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
She’s the fastest faster on Yom Kippur
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
While everyone just whines and moans, she gets super chipper
Miriam moves faster than a flesh-eating bacterium
Miriam sends every cocaine dealer to delirium
Miriam makes Run-Around Sue just stop and sneer-iam
Miriam, in a split-second goes from far to near-iam
Miriam is gone before you hold her beer-iam
Miriam covers more space than a planetarium
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
She's the quickest gal in all the land
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Do not try to high-five her or you might break your hand
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
Somehow she is never out of breath
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
We think she’ll have vigor mortis right after her death
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up
“I am!”
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up
“Hello?”
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up
“All right already!”
Hurry-Up Miriam, hurry up!
“Oy”
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2. |
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SCRAPING BY
(à la Drink Me)
I had a mansion on Easy Street
Now coppers knock on my box on their beat
I, I, I’m just scraping by, by, by
Life as a blue blood once suited me
These days I’m donating pints for a fee
I, I, I’m just scraping by, by, by
Brother, mother, other can you spare a dime?
Don’t make me take it from you
It would be a crime
Punching a clock is a big monkey wrench
Try catching z’s when you sleep on a bench
I, I, I’m just scraping by, by, by
Never imagined for me to thrive
I’d stake my good fortune on a dumpster dive
I, I, I’m just scraping by, by, by
Brother, mother, other can you lend a hand?
One day you might eat just beans
after you get canned
Used to have dough coming out the wazoo
Now I’m a loafer with holes in my shoes
I, I, I’m just scraping by, by, by
So don’t get complacent or too comfortable
Before you know your net worth could be null
I, I, I’m just scraping by, by, by
Why, why, why?
I’m just scraping by
Bye-bye
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3. |
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NOT YET
(à la Gilbert O'Sullivan)
My child behind me
sure likes to remind me
that I promised him a pet
I can’t shake the drama
and all of the trauma
when we had that marmoset
How much longer will it be?
Well that’s a question for mommy
Not yet
Not yet
Did the iPad help him to forget?
Not yet
With rains this torrential
there is some potential
for an existential threat
Now I’m feeling manic
Think of the Titanic!
I pray that my panic’s all wet
The end is always on the way
Say, do we have an E.T. A.?
Not yet
Not yet
Is it time to vet the parapet?
Not yet
To those who wait
good things could come
Lord knows your fate
recommends you just stay mum
A beautiful Russian
has got me blushin’
What is the etiquette?
I’ll require vodka
to try and snog her
I’m breaking out in a cold sweat
Her maybe isn’t quite a yes
but I will deem it more or less
Not nyet
Not nyet
I cannot dismiss miss soviet
Not yet
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4. |
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YOU MIGHT BE TRUE
(à la Nick Lowe)
In a world where others are not even bothered
pulling wool over our eyes
they'll knit up a story but omit a sorry
Sincerity's a disguise
Yet you seem authentic and not egocentric
in the face all of this flies
I cannot help but surmise
You might be true
Oh
You might be true
You might be true
Oh please be
Anything else would just tease me
As I get less younger there grows a hunger
to find somebody to love
My capacity for lust is battling more rust
each time I'm "none of the above"
But you exude kindness, it's so rare to find this
I need to know what you are made of
Get set to release the doves
You might be true
Oh
You might be true
You might be true
Oh please be
Nothing would more please me
The head knows what the heart wants
and both dislike an ache
This time there is so much at stake
It might seem pathetic, and somewhat athletic
how I tie myself into knots
But since you hooked me and not overlooked me
emotions have been calling the shots
I'm helpless to resist when I am in your midst
like a puppy or a robot
This better not be ersatz
You might be true
Oh
You might be true
You might be true
Oh please be
Speak up, I'm getting uneasy
While the jury is still out, I better chill out
or risk starting over again
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5. |
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DEEPLY IN LOVE
(à la Al Alberts)
From the moment I rise
’til I close my eyes
I think of my gal
The strength of our bond
goes way beyond fond
Together forever, we shall
When I see her face I am instantly beaming
Somebody pinch me, I gotta be dreaming
Everyone, everyone listen to me
I’m deeply in love
Can’t you all see there’s a glisten to me?
I’m deeply in love
A heaping helping of bliss in my glee
I’m deeply in love!
Just feast your eyes on my sweet honey bun
There will be no doubting why she is the one
Each day I feel blessed
to be so obsessed
with my cutie pie
When she holds my hand
everything’s grand
and I happily sigh
I’m over the moon in delightful desire
Singing along with my angelic choir
Everyone, everyone listen to me
I’m deeply in love
It’s how I get hugs and kissin’ for free
I’m deeply in love
Please let me have this for eternity
I’m deeply in love!
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6. |
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PURPLE BURT
(à la Syd Barrett)
Purple Burt eats green beans
orange porridge and red bread
Purple Burt drinks blue juice
wears pink mink and black slacks
Purple Burt smokes hope dope
His brain is a kaleidoscope
Purple Burt is color blind, Purple Burt's invisible
I'm Purple Burt, you're Purple Burt
I'm . . .
Purple Burt rides the side of a rainbow
He's got one-zillion color TVs
Purple Burt dreams of skiing Pluto
as he naps in a prism tree
Purple Burt stays alert
by eating lots of purple dirt
Purple Burt is color blind, Purple Burt's invisible
I'm Purple Burt, you're Purple Burt
Purple Burt has a brother, Purple Herbert
Herbert lives in a tin of herbal sherbet
He spends his days slurping and burping
Purple Burt drives to work
on his snapping turtle named Kurt
He keeps gasses sealed in glasses
All of these are inert
Purple Burt can't exert
His little purple heart is hurt
Purple Burt is color blind, Purple Burt's invisible
I'm Purple Burt, you're Purple Burt
I'm Purple Burt
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7. |
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NINE MILE ROAD
(à la Richard Thompson)
Meet me at the crux of the nine mile road
on your feet of callouses
Come let us walk
'mongst the croaking of toads
under clouds like palaces
Our love was lost but a long time ago
Poison words and circumstance
These days the cost is more than you know
to decline such fine romance
The nine mile road is our lifeline home
The nine mile road is a thorny rose
Until we laugh, until we grow
meet me at the nine mile road
Nine mile road,
bring us round again
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8. |
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IS LOVE THERE?
(à la Burt Bacharach)
I went to San Francisco in the summertime
and all I found was chilly fog and lonely hearts
If all you need is in the air like oxygen
then what's this crazy little thing called that stinks?
So is love there?
Where is love, where?
You'll find some in that actress Hewitt's middle name
Connect with it on Chuck Woolery's TV game
Add a 'g' and enter baseball's Hall of Fame
This silly song is getting lame
I took a radar roller coaster to a jungle shack
The only thing for keeping was a boat for sale
So is love there? (It was but it's not)
Where is love, where? (It's not where it was)
They say the look of it is in your eyes (two times)
But you're just drunk on potion #9 (on the rocks)
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9. |
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I HAVE NEVER LIED
(à la They Might Be Giants)
I have never lied to anyone
that kind of thing is done by liars
I have never lied to anyone
that was my brother who yelled "Fire!"
Everything I've ever said is true
Especially all the things I said to you
If I ever lied to anyone
I would know because I'm honest
I have never cried to anyone
that kind of thing is done by babies
I have never cried to anyone
no matter how absorbent they be
Every tear I'll ever shed, I'd hide
This is really easy when you stay inside
If I ever cried to anyone
I would laugh because I'm lying
I swear to tell the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help me God
but I'm left-handed
I will never side with anyone
that kind of thing is done by losers
I will never side with anyone
who said that beggars can't be choosers?
All opinions people have are wrong
except, of course, the ones that you hear in this song
If I ever side with anyone
it's because I cleaned my mirror
I will never die for anyone
that kind of thing is done by people
I will never die for anyone
just to eat dirt beneath a steeple
Every minute I'm alive will be
a new chance to hear my name read on TV
If I ever die for anyone
they had better take full credit
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10. |
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OFTEN I SAUNTER
(à la Martin Newell)
In the rush, rush, rush of the day
see the push and the crush of the people parade
Riding cars, bikes, buses and trains
through the Mach V circus of Ringmaster Fray
They've no time to clown
In the hush, hush, hush of the night
near the plush of the pillow and the shush of polite
Fighting slapstick happenstance dreams
with a keystone 'copter cropping the scenes
It's time they slow down
So often I saunter
for want of a better way
Often I saunter about . . .
About 1 pm, adjoin to them a gent with a gradual gait
They buzz and blur but I prefer simply to perambulate
A slow-motion potentate
About 1 am, en route to REM
as masses and watches unwind
They snore and stir but next to her
I'm utterly calm and supine
An otter aloft in brine
It is such, such, such a short life
We are specs of dust in eternity's eyes
With so much, much, much far and wide
watch us brush, brush, brush every detail aside
They don't see my frown
So often I saunter
for want of a better way
Often I saunter about . . .
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11. |
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THE SPY
(à la John Barry)
He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it
He knows when to take it and why to hold back
He moves like a panther into the shadows
Waits, always ready for secret attack
He is the author of my follies and despair
He deals the hand, I play the cards
His breath upon my neck, I lose my mind, I lose the game
When I turn around there's no one there
The Spy
and so am I
She knows what she needs and who can provide it
She knows where to target her ravenous search
Beware of her eyes that shoot poison daggers
straight from her secret aerial perch
She is the trigger of my dark euphoria
She dangles facts, I'm tantalized
Her thoughts surround my head, I lose my way, I lose my train
What fine phantasmagoria
The Spy
and so am I
Our mission can't be classified, we each share half the truth
Weapons drawn, curtains follow in a haze of sweet vermouth
We know what they want and we know they won't get it
Threat or flirtation, we'll never talk
For our information is secret and priceless
to agents from London and spies from New York
The Spy
and so am I
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12. |
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SPRING (IS WAITING FOR A CHANCE TO) SPRING
(à la Jonathan Richman)
Something in the air says the winter's ending
People start to come outside looking for some friending
Daylight's saving up extra time to do its thing
Spring is waiting for a chance to spring
Seeds are getting set now the snow is melting
Baseball batters swing, hoping for some belting
Buds are popping up, lovers get set for a fling
Spring is waiting for a chance to spring
The sun is trying but the clouds won't let it
If trees could make a breeze
you bet those clouds would regret it
Heavy coats are gone, girls show off their legging
Birds are starting to chirp now as they do their egging
Bees can hardly wait to find someone they can sting
Spring is waiting for a chance to spring
Bears are waking up from their hibernating
Fishermen can't wait to begin their baiting
Ice cream trucks tune up practicing their ding-a-ling
Spring is waiting for a chance to
Spring is waiting for a chance to
Spring is waiting for a chance to spring
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13. |
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WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
(à la Wreckless Eric)
When I was a little kid
I could not tell right from wrong
Never questioned what I did
Even brought my friends along
What goes around comes around
As a teen, things headed south
Like a fool I fought the law
Got kicked from school for my mouth
They're gonna learn that this is war
What goes around comes around
I will take what's rightly mine
even if you think it's yours
To be denied would be a crime
I play the game to settle scores
What goes around comes around
I am bad at being good
I am good at being bad
If you think I can be tamed
you had better think again
You're the one that will be blamed
when we reach the bitter end
What goes around comes around
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14. |
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IT WON'T BE LONG NOW
(à la Mose Allison)
I was born with primo genes
which make my bottom and top clean
What goes up must come down
but only one end wears a frown
Hair today and gone tomorrow
I'll keep giving you some skin
Heading for happiness, not sorrow
Bald is how we all begin
So shield your eyes while I take a bow
It won't be long now
Telly, Mr. Clean, and Yul
used their shiny, skin-smooth tool
to coax the women through their doors
for hot romance and cleaner floors
The gentle egg sits there in the shade
It had no problem getting laid
Look at Gandhi and Sinead
The masses say they got it made
and neither of them had a cow
It won't be long now
Minoxidil is nearly nil
Rugs and weaves are worser still
Transplants you can just forget
my skull is not some Chia Pet
No need to spray, cut, style or primp
No colorings or permanents
Throw brushes, combs, and driers out
A lesser man would sit and pout
We'd all be better off this way
All people white, black, yellow or gray
would be more similar today
So shave it off now, don't delay!
Barbers are barbarians,
cutting off looks right to them
Some surgery they used to do
so count your ears,
there should be two
There's plenty more in other places
Some is pubic, some is public
The stuff that grows out of my face is
such a nag I keep it stubbly
So comb it back from your brow
It won't be long now
Even Buddha got you ta’ vow and kowtow
It won't be long now
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15. |
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NOT THE PROPER SPOT
(à la Sparks)
Right here is not the proper spot to pick your nose
I didn't think I'd need to tell you
Then again, it's just as well I did
Not the proper spot to pick your nose
There is no upshot to doing something so gross
Right here is not the proper spot to clip your toes
Manners seem to not concern you
It's best if we all just spurn your id
Society is trusting
you to not be thrusting
everything disgusting
on it you desire
I hate to inform you
there are social norms to
follow and conform to
or become pariah
Right here is not the proper spot to pimp your hoes
Does it really need a mention?
Do you want attention from those kids?
Not the proper spot to pimp your hoes
You have not learned squat about what we oppose
Right here is not the proper spot to strip your clothes
Don't you see the signs we've posted?
We will all be skeeved out, keep it hid
Society is praying
you won't be displaying
all of your dismaying
inappropriateness
If you had awareness
you'd know the unfairness
of subjecting our squareness
to mental unfitness
Right here is not the proper spot to come to blows
I wouldn't want my friends to see me
stoop down to your level, god forbid
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Songs in the style of . . .
